I hide myself in the only place i know will take the pain away, shut the door and lock them out. It is then i realise how much i yearn for ones company and friendship but the outside world has become strange and unfamiliar to me. “go out” they say but how? when i feel so out of place in a world that just wouldn’t understand. i’ve become such a burden to him but how can i let anyone else in? I feel myself drifting away, to a place i promised myself i wouldn’t return to. A promise that is slowly being tugged and shredded right before my eyes, i want to stop it but my body won’t let me. My illness is taking over and the light i once had is slowly burning away, like a candle flickering heavily just before the flame is gone forever.
I can’t and i wont let myself return. The pain i feel is the pain i will carry with me day and night, though all that pain kills me i am better with it then without.
I’ve saved myself before and i will again. The pain and lonely nights take over often but they are no match for my inner strength. The darkest nights i’ve spent in hospital beds, dreaming for it all to be over, yet deep down the light still flickered.
I try to convince myself it will all be okay. Now i know only i can save myself from the demon’s that live within. Only i can push them away.
I tell myself it’s okay not to be okay…
I promised myself i will not give up. I am all that remains and this is all i have, Its not much but its enough, I am enough.
I see the candle light flicker, And so does my life- unsteady, dying BUT insanely beautiful.