It was just a normal day, travelling back home from school on the route I always took, until everything took an unexpected turn and my life changed forever. I wanted to believe something else other than the truth, I wanted to believe it was a mistake or I was overthinking everything like I often did. I was naive, I believed our encounter would be different from what it was. I remember the exact moment I saw him, my whole body filled with dread, I was disappointed.
His hands gripping me, with his lips brushing mine while I stood there, with each breath I took I could feel his. I became disassociated with my body, I froze. Each moment felt like a lifetime as I stood there questioning myself, did I ask for this?
I searched for answers and validation for weeks but nothing justified it. Nothing made me forget, nothing made me feel whole again. My body was flooded with guilt as I tried to process everything. Since that day nothing felt the same, I felt broke, I felt different. For weeks I felt judged, no one was judging me but myself, I punished myself because I made myself believe it was my fault, that what happened was because I asked for it. I felt crazy, it was a memory I couldn’t erase, I tried pushing it away but it wouldn’t leave. I hated myself.
I needed someone to validate how i felt, to tell me i wasn’t crazy and that i was going to be okay. Everyone copes with things differently, but everyone needs validation. Everything didn’t make sense, I was afraid to become a victim. I told myself it was my fault because I didn’t want to be made a victim but, I was made one. I isolated myself from others and myself, I wanted to have control and once I was made a victim all the control I had was taken, so instead I blamed myself.
I soon spoke up out of fear of blaming myself too much, I needed to be validated and to be told that it was going to be okay.
I answered questions I didn’t want to answer and remembered things I tried to forget. Remember, remember they said, what was he wearing? where did he touch you? These questions made me fear ever telling anyone, just the thought of being asked made my body freeze. I was too afraid to tell anyone, but I did because I wanted to reclaim myself again.
If I could go back and change anything, I wouldn’t be as mean to myself. I’d tell myself it wasn’t my fault because it wasn’t. I tried to shy away because it was a lot to handle, but I needed to tell someone.
I exist and this is my story.
We need to keep the conversation going because I didn’t know I was going to be okay, but I am. Be kinder to yourself because it affects us all, female or male. You’re not alone and even though I’m still fighting, I’m alive and I’m okay. Everything is going to be okay.
You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice until now.