I think if anyone were to ask me four years ago where I would be in terms of my mental health I would have said something along the lines of “probably dead.” To most people that likely sounds unnerving and shocking but for me that was the truth.
Four years ago I attempted suicide for the last time, I didn’t go to the hospital, I didn’t even tell anyone. I just sat there, tears dropping onto my leg, my hands shaking and my heart aching. Four years ago I believed I had no future. I was looking to end my existence, so I wouldn’t have to suffer for the rest of my life. I didn’t know what life was, I just felt so consumed by my own emotions I didn’t know how to live.
If anyone were to ask me today where I am in terms of my mental health, I would say ” I see a future.” Now don’t get me wrong, I still feel consumed by emotions when things get too much, but I don’t look to pills anymore I look to overcoming the situation I’m in and finding solutions to make myself feel better.
The last four years have been the hardest four years of my life and even on those really bad days when I just wanted to die, I overcame it and pushed myself to fight harder.
Now if anyone were to ask me what changed in the last four years, I would say “I started to believe in myself.” I wish this older version of myself was around to tell the younger me It’s going to be okay.
Depression can feel like an endless road, one that strips you of everything. You lose sight of where you’re heading, who you are and what your purpose is. Fighting a battle in your head is one of the hardest things you can do, but there’s hope.
Why, when our future is so uncertain, should we allow depression to take away the moments we have now? I used to tell myself this a lot, especially after my mom passed away, this was one of the things that has gotten me to where I am today. Seeing my mom’s life be taken away, pushed me to start living mine.
My emotions would become so uncertain at times that I needed to find a way to release them. So here I am writing, I also started exercising. I started to express my emotions in a way that brought them to the surface and allowed them to dissolve, although it never changed my life it helped me to express how I felt without harming myself.
Most of my suicide attempts stem from hating myself and my life. I had no confidence and I didn’t believe in myself. Not believing in yourself can make overcoming obstacles so much harder. For the last year or so I forced myself to stop thinking negatively, Each time I’ve doubted my ability to overcome any obstacle I’m facing I asked myself one question “How did you overcome everything else?.” I overcame everything else because I was strong and kept fighting, I just had to believe I could do it.
Depression and suicidal thoughts come hand in hand. They don’t just vanish overnight, It’s a journey, It’s crying endlessly till you can’t cry anymore, staying awake all night because you can’t stop your racing thoughts and it’s even so much more than just that. But it’s something you can overcome, It doesn’t have to last forever, You’re powerful enough to overcome whatever it is you’re going through and there’s always hope you just have to believe in yourself.
I used to see posts about depression and how far others have come, I used to believe I would never be like them. I never dreamed in a million years I’d be where I am today, I’m nowhere near the finish line, but being where I am is such an achievement. If you’re like me and read this and think you’ll never reach that point, then let me tell you I felt the same way, but I’m now able to share my story and feel I’ve achieved something. If I can do it, then you can too.
You are strong, You are beautiful, You are resilient, You are loved, You are capable, You are not weak, You are not weird, You are not a lost cause, You can do this.