I lay down in the bath, shut my eyes and focused on the pain. I didn’t feel anything, but an ache running through my whole body. I’d tell myself no one cared even though I’m sure someone did. I shut myself down and for a moment I remember feeling like no one else existed, but me. The sadness took over, and that’s when I picked up the blade, I was 12.
I remember trying to go to sleep that same night, my arm felt like it was on fire and I was ashamed of myself. I went to school the next morning, and that’s when everyone noticed. I tried to hide my arms, but somehow everyone found out. One girl, who bullied me at the time lifted my sleeve up and told me I was “stupid” and an “attention seeker.” I felt so broken that all I wanted to do was hide.
I had self-harmed a lot since that day, but the only difference is I don’t remember the other times the way I remember the first. I remember the first time I self- harmed so vividly, it was the first day that I truly felt my life come crashing down around me.
A lot of people misunderstand self- harm, when I was told I was “attention-seeking” I felt like I was being judged for something I couldn’t control. I self-harmed because Internally I felt so confused. My life was falling apart and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, Self- harming was a way for me to bring my internal emotions to my outer surface.
I’d be lying if I said I’ve not self -harmed in years, but the truth is the last time I self-harmed was about a year ago. Like my suicidal thoughts, I no longer think of harming myself. It took a long time to get there, but I’m finally there.
I was addicted to Self- harming. It was my escape from the world and for just a few seconds my mind would feel at peace. When I look at my scars, I feel hurt. I feel hurt because I remember how unhappy I was and the only way I thought I could escape my mind was to harm myself. I don’t just look at my scars and see pain, but I also see someone who’s come so far, It reminds me of how strong I am and the things I’ve overcome.
I’ve come so far, and I’m so proud of myself for that. If you self-harm or have self- harmed, then please know that there are other options, even when you think there isn’t. If I can do it, then you can too, you’re never alone.
You were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it.