Late night thoughts.

It’s four in the morning as I write this because I can’t chase away my thoughts tonight. I‘ve tried so hard to ignore them, as I do most days, but pushing them away is only making them more difficult to run from.

I feel lonelyI could be surrounded by nothing but people and still feel lonely. My heart breaks each time I think about myself. Each time I doI feel an overwhelming sense of failure. I‘ve failed myself. I had this passion, and I wanted to impact people‘s lives, but I feel like the most forgetful person in the world.

I‘ve never belonged, Even when I had friends I always felt like everyone had this hatred against me. I don’t have many friends, in fact, I have none. I‘ve always struggled to let people in, but for so long I felt like I didn’t belong that when I tried to fit in, I never did. I can‘t help but question what’s wrong with me and blame myself for it all.

I wanted to make something of myself, and I know I still have a lot of time to do that, but I’m angry at myself because I can‘t find the motivation or confidence to do it or anything for that matter. I think about my future, and it scares me, I‘m stuck in this loophole that I can‘t free myself from.

Everything I‘ve done up till now feels wastedI‘m too scared to even think about what tomorrow will be like. My life is turning out the opposite of what I planned, and I can’t help but question what road I‘m heading down. It’s hard to believe that you‘ll achieve something when all you see is a failure.

During quarantine my emotions have been all over the place; I can’t rest and when I do, I feel empty. I think about my past and analyse every detail of it, I think about the future too. I question what I‘m doing and who I am.

Two nights ago I felt overwhelmed with lots of emotions, so I picked up my laptop and began to write. My life can feel intense at times so when I started my blogging site I wanted to share my story and the journey I‘m on, in hopes that it won’t just help me, but it will help others too. When I was twelve up until my age now, all I ever hoped for was to feel like I belong and for someone to tell me that they feel the way I do. We keep our darkest secrets and darkest moments to ourselves, but I want to share mine and keep sharing mine. Life‘s unpredictable and sometimes all we need is someone to make us feel like we belong and to tell us that we‘re not alone. 

I find it difficult to share what I write, especially this. I‘ve taken on lot of challenges and when I talk about my momI find comfort in writing about her. Yet, I still find it hard to talk about how I feel deep down and open up. Opening up and sharing how you feel is one of the toughest things you can do, but by doing it you share your truthyou give someone else the opportunity to help you and you give yourself the opportunity to feel less alone. There is always almost going to be another person who feels how you feel and it is always okay to admit you don’t feel okay.

If you read this and you feel somewhat similar to me, then we’re in it together and you’re not alone.

I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realise is that you’re not alone.

14 thoughts on “Late night thoughts.

      1. Thank you. 🙂 I spent a lot of my childhood not really having close friends. From around age 19 forward, most of my social life revolved around church activities and friends from there. Most church people get married and start families in their 20s, and I didn’t, which is when I started to feel out of place. I spent most of my 30s having a lot of friends, but my interests and my values don’t line up very well. The people I know with similar values and beliefs to mine hate my interests, and the people with my interests hate my values.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m sorry that you feel like that, It can be so difficult when people are in different places in their lives and you feel out of place. It sounds to me like you truly know what you believe in, there’s never any shame in being different from others, it just makes you that much more unique. x

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Wow I felt like I wrote that. You have a lot of symptoms I’ve had and I still have. Have you thought about counseling or therapy? You’re not alone! I feel alone sometimes too but I know it’s my mind trying to convince me but don’t let that happen💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been to counseling before, but I find I prefer untangling my emotions myself. I always find I feel some sort of achievement from pushing myself to figure out why I’m thinking a certain way, which allows me to take a step back and overcome it. It’s hard when you feel alone and like no one feels how you do, but so many people do and that’s why it’s so important to talk about. sending lots of love your way ❤ x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I try to untangle my emotions too but I have a loooot of possible reasons, right now I am tired of doing that and I hope therapy helps. Thanks for sharing and I hope you start feeling better soon💌

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.