Late night thoughts.

It’s four in the morning as I write this because I can’t chase away my thoughts tonight. I‘ve tried so hard to ignore them, as I do most days, but pushing them away is only making them more difficult to run from.

I feel lonely, I could be surrounded by nothing but people and still feel lonely. My heart breaks each time I think about myself. Each time I do, I feel an overwhelming sense of failure. I‘ve failed myself. I had this passion, and I wanted to impact people‘s lives, but I feel like the most forgetful person in the world.

I‘ve never belonged, Even when I had friends I always felt like everyone had this hatred against me. I don’t have many friends, in fact, I have none. I‘ve always struggled to let people in, but for so long I felt like I didn’t belong that when I tried to fit in, I never did. I can‘t help but question what’s wrong with me and blame myself for it all.

I wanted to make something of myself, and I know I still have a lot of time to do that, but I’m angry at myself because I can‘t find the motivation or confidence to do it or anything for that matter. I think about my future, and it scares me, I‘m stuck in this loophole that I can‘t free myself from.

Everything I‘ve done up till now feels wasted, I‘m too scared to even think about what tomorrow will be like. My life is turning out the opposite of what I planned, and I can’t help but question what road I‘m heading down. It’s hard to believe that you‘ll achieve something when all you see is a failure.

During quarantine my emotions have been all over the place; I can’t rest and when I do, I feel empty. I think about my past and analyse every detail of it, I think about the future too. I question what I‘m doing and who I am.

Two nights ago I felt overwhelmed with lots of emotions, so I picked up my laptop and began to write. My life can feel intense at times so when I started my blogging site I wanted to share my story and the journey I‘m on, in hopes that it won’t just help me, but it will help others too. When I was twelve up until my age now, all I ever hoped for was to feel like I belong and for someone to tell me that they feel the way I do. We keep our darkest secrets and darkest moments to ourselves, but I want to share mine and keep sharing mine. Life‘s unpredictable and sometimes all we need is someone to make us feel like we belong and to tell us that we‘re not alone. 

I find it difficult to share what I write, especially this. I‘ve taken on a lot of challenges and when I talk about my mom, I find comfort in writing about her. Yet, I still find it hard to talk about how I feel deep down and open up. Opening up and sharing how you feel is one of the toughest things you can do, but by doing it you share your truth, you give someone else the opportunity to help you and you give yourself the opportunity to feel less alone. There is always almost going to be another person who feels how you feel and it is always okay to admit you don’t feel okay.

If you read this and you feel somewhat similar to me, then we’re in it together and you’re not alone.

I found that with depression, one of the most important things you could realise is that you’re not alone.