Letting go of the life I had.

~ kirsty marie

When I lost my mom, I didn’t just lose her but I lost the life I once had. Everything changed, and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces. I’ve realised now that picking up those shattered pieces was only making me forget how beautiful life was before it broke.

I would have my mom back in a heartbeat and allow this part of my life to completely vanish, but I can’t.

For so long, I’ve been stuck in this continuous cycle of pain, and I’ve tried to hold onto every last piece of my mom. Except, I’ve ended up destroying my life in the process. Most of my life I’ve had my mom by my side, helping me overcome obstacles. Now, I’ve had to face this one without her, when all I want is for her to be by my side guiding me like she always has. Losing my mom has proven to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to overcome. But, it’s time for me to move forward, and it’s taken me until now to realise.

I can continue to pick up those shattered pieces for the rest of my life or I can choose to build my own, and look back at those shattered pieces and remember them in all their beauty. I have to move forward and thank my mom for the most amazing eighteen years, and remember it for the beauty it was. Trying to fix something that will never be fixed is only proving to be impossible, and leaving me stuck in a place where I only feel pain, instead of feeling thankful for being given the life I had.

I have to move forward with my life. My life is different now, and it will never be what it was. That’s not to say I won’t feel happiness the way I once did, It just means I need to create my own happiness.

It’s hard to let go when all you want to do is live in the past and be back to where you were. Now I’ve reached a point where I’m only destroying the life I have from endlessly trying to bring back the one I did.

For so long I didn’t want to let go because it meant I’d truly lose my mom. I know she’s gone, and moving on is only going to hurt more, but I know she’s always here and will always have a place in my heart. Her memories will forever surround me and the presence she left will always guide me.

Holding on is only stopping me from moving forward and now It’s time to truly let go and put those shattered pieces down.

Thank you mom for everything you did and continue to do even when you’re not here.

I love you.

You can’t start the next chapter of your life, If you keep re-reading the last one.

Published by kirsty marie

13 thoughts on “Letting go of the life I had.”

  1. I haven’t gone through what you have, but I can relate to a lot of what you say. I have a hard time letting go of the past, especially when things are changing so drastically and so quickly, and when life now feels strange (I don’t just mean because of COVID-19, the world has felt strange for years now). I’ve even had some people question the existence of my blog, if it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism that I’m trying to live in the past, although I think there is some value in reflecting on the past and looking at what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed for the better.

    Hang in there, friend.

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    1. You’re definitely right there is always value in reflecting on the past, if we don’t we can’t learn or change. It’s also about being able to accept and let go of the past and move forward. I’m sorry that you can relate, but it means you’re not alone and nor am I 🙂 x

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      1. A related thought about living in the past, I don’t know if you saw this one… a while back, while I was taking a break from my story, I wrote a post as an adult, about how I still spend a lot of time back where I lived in the 90s (granted, it’s not too far away, only 30-40 minutes driving) and wondering if that’s a sign I should move back there if I have that much of a life there. I’ve thought about it on at least two or three occasions over the years, and I always come to the conclusion that it’s a bad idea. It’s expensive there, and I don’t fit in with the political climate there. But more importantly, it would be too much of a temptation to live in the past. Even if I did move back, things would not be the same. People in that city aren’t still listening to Hootie & the Blowfish and watching X-Files.
        That sense I get today that it’s hard to find people like me in the same place in their lives, but that it wasn’t like that back then when I lived there, has more to do with age than geography. That other city is a university town. It isn’t full of people like me, it’s full of students, and I was a student when I lived there which is why I felt like it was full of people like me. I was already starting to feel a little out of place by the time I moved away at age 24, and if I were to move back at 43 it would be much worse.

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      2. You sound like you have a lot of built-up emotions about the place you lived and about feeling out of place. You should as yourself if you truly would like to live there or if you’re holding onto something, do you feel in your heart its the right place for you? It can be so difficult when you have conflicting views about something, but in the end, we always figure it out and find whats best for us. Maybe you’re right and it would be too much of a temptation, but if you have a feeling maybe you should explore it more. Do you think theres a possibility you would ever move somewhere thats completly different?

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      3. I have a lot of built-up emotions about a lot of things. Feeling out of place is something I’ve struggled with for a long time.

        I don’t want to move back to “Jeromeville” today. The problem is that I want to go back to sometime around 1997 and do it over again with what I know now, and my memories of that time period are very tied up with Jeromeville itself. I want to believe that I could move back and everything would be the same as it was back then, but I know it’s not.

        Would I ever move somewhere completely different… I thought so. I was so fed up with things in 2005 that I spent four months wandering around the USA living out of my car and sleeping in cheap motels, campgrounds, and the couches and guest rooms of friends and relatives in other states. I thought I was only going to come back here to get my stuff. But by the time I got back here, I didn’t feel sure enough about anything to make that big of a move. So I made a small move to where I am now, within day trip distance of all three places I’d lived before, but still far enough away to feel like a fresh start. In the last couple years, though, the political situation here has decayed to the point that I’ve thought more about leaving this state. The people running this state are running it into the ground, and so many people are convinced that the other political party would be so much worse that they gladly cheer on those who are running the state into the ground. The problem is that, in most states that aren’t like this, I would feel just as out of place for other reasons. This country is splitting into two widely divergent cultures, I don’t fit in with either one, and both sides are so bent on shunning anyone who doesn’t belong. As this thing drags on, though, and other states are starting to talk about opening up and mine is talking about staying locked down for longer and longer periods of time, I’m starting to think about moving somewhere different again, just so I can get on with my life. I hate doing my job remotely. It doesn’t work with the way I am naturally, and it takes away most of what I enjoyed about this career to begin with. But in most of the states that aren’t full of crap, I wouldn’t make as much money as I would here, and there would be a lot of other hassles involved in moving.

        (I believe you’re from the UK, right? So I don’t know how much you know about the political climate here, at least about my perspective. And I know I haven’t told you what I do for work, so I’m being kind of vague. I don’t know if I should say, because that would be a spoiler for other stories I’m going to write eventually.)

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  2. I’ve been there, and I know it’s difficult. Grieving, it’s complicated and has many steps. I hope you’ve had an opportunity to speak with someone. My prayers are yours. ❤️

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  3. I felt the same way too after losing my mom. She died in my arms. Sorry about what you’ve gone through. Be strong 💪.

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