I’ll be ready one day, but not now.

I want to scream, and I want the world to hear my pain.

It’s not fair how could this be real?

It’s nearly been three years, and I can’t fathom what my life will be like another three years from now.

I have so many questions, but no one to answer them. No one to tell me why it happened or why the outcome was what it was. How could this of happened, she was fine and she got through it the first time round so, why? Why do this to her again.

Why take away my mom’s life, she had so much to live for. She had children, and grandchildren to watch grow up.

Maybe I’m being selfish because at some point we all have to die, right?

But I feel restless because I believe she wasn’t ready yet.

She had so much more to give.

I hate that we live in a world where the ones you love are taken away in an instant and you’re powerless against it.

So far this is my grief story. For such a long time, I was ashamed to open up about my feelings or to even show them at all, but it’s all part of the process. I know deep down that no matter how tough things get my mom loved me. Without her love, I wouldn’t be where I am now and I wouldn’t be writing.

This part of my grief, I know won’t be easy to overcome. It’s one that I hold so many questions for, that I know will never be answered. At some point, I have to forgive, forgive Cancer for taking my mom far too soon, but I’m not there yet and I’m okay with that.

If you’re at a place I am now, then know that that’s okay. Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. For me it’s what’s keeping my mom alive. I know once I forgive cancer, that truly means she’s gone.

Maybe one day I’ll be ready for it, but I know the times not right.

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless.



5 thoughts on “I’ll be ready one day, but not now.

    1. Exactly! Everyone has there own way of dealing with things, we feel similar emotions but we can never truly feel what another person feels no matter how much we empathise with them. X

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  1. Thank you for sharing!!… she lives in your heart and always will, you can visit her whenever you wish… “There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, people we can’t live without but have to let go.” ― (Nancy Stephan)… 🙂

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