Fighting back starts today.

I have to be honest with myself, for a while now I’ve pushed my inner thoughts to the back of my mind when the truth is they don’t stay there, they only torture me. Taking over not just a few seconds out of each day but each second of each day…

When I walk past a mirror, I interrogate every single part of me, sometimes I’m looking at someone who feels hollow inside out and other times I don’t recognise the person who stands before me.

It’s not just that, but everything I do I feel guilty for. My mind keeps trying to take over.

“You’re not good enough.”

“You’re fat.”

Even though I made a vow to never allow the numbers on the scale to determine my worth, I can’t help but want to know what they are and whatever the outcome is, to just allow it to take over me.

Maybe I’m just tired from fighting away my constant negative thoughts, especially when I know where it leads. I’ve slowly learned how to cope with my depression, but my eating disorder I fight every day and I’m tired, tired from pretending that I’m happy in my body, because I’m not.

I hate feeling like I’m overweight every day, because I know deep down there’s more to me than just my weight, but I can’t stop it from consuming me.

I’m scared that I’ll be back at the place I was before and I’m trying so desperately to fight it off, I don’t want to be like that again and although I’m so determined to not go there again I can’t help but want to surrender for just a second.

I don’t want to do it to myself, no one deserves to feel ugly in their own skin and no one deserves to deprive themselves of basics human needs.

So, why do I feel the need to do it to myself?

Overcoming my eating disorder and body dysmorphic disorder has been something I always pushed to the side, but from today onwards I’m determined to fight it off, even when I don’t want to anymore.

I don’t know what the next chapter in my life is going to bring, but I won’t let it be what it once was because I have the power to overcome it.

If you have an eating disorder, then please know that when it seems tough or like you just want to give up, you can do it! If you do surrender for just a second, it’s okay because you’re human, and you can get back up.

I’ve failed myself too, but I’m going to continue pushing forward and try not to be too hard on myself. Recovering from something is never easy, It’s a long process and one that will take a lot of strength but I’m going to do it and you can too.

Sometimes falling down is part of the process. That uncomfortableness is where change happens. Where we evolve. Where we turn that weakness into strength. This struggle you’re going through is all part of the process. And you will make it through.

8 thoughts on “Fighting back starts today.

  1. Hi Kirsty – I love your transparency with your feelings, positive and negative. It is in speaking these out loud and dispelling the secrecy that we find the strength to overcome. Yes, you can do this! I sense a strong, beautiful, capable woman in you! Are you familiar with ? Caralyn has also published her thoughts journal, Bloom, from when she was in treatment for her ED. Check them out, you might find strength and a kindred spirit in her.
    Blessings to you, I am praying for you ❤

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  2. YOU’VE GOT THIS, Kirsty. It’s exhausting though, isn’t it? I don’t pretend to know what it’s like for you as your experience is uniquely yours, but I spent so, so many years twisted up about the way I looked, about food, weight, clothes sizes, all of it. It becomes obsessive and pervasive, getting under your skin and taking over your whole being, all your thoughts, and it tears you apart. I wish I had some miraculous advice, but I don’t. Even now I’m not happy with how I look, and even being underweight I struggle to see it (body dysmorphia perhaps). But I don’t care as much as I used to. I think I’ve cared far too much about too many things that only cause heartache and stress, so I’ve tried to give less shits about things generally. Not easy to do but once you can say f*ck it a bit more some of the seriousness eases off and the critical voices in your head can grow a little quieter. You can do this, Kirsty. You deserve more than to have your life consumed by this. Mine was and I hate to see it happen to someone beautiful, clever, compassionate and awesome like you.  ♥

    Caz xx

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    1. Thank you and it is exhausting I’m sorry that you feel like that too. Although it’s difficult to talk about (which I’m grateful you’ve shared part of your story with me too) I think it’s so important because it just helps you to feel less alone so thank you! thank you for sharing your story with me and I hope those voices in your head grow a little quieter. I hate to know that someone like you whom I look up to would feel like that because no one deserves it, you too are beautiful and strong! ❤ sending you all my love and thank you again I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!

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