I have to be honest with myself, for a while now I’ve pushed my inner thoughts to the back of my mind when the truth is they don’t stay there, they only torture me. Taking over not just a few seconds out of each day but each second of each day…
When I walk past a mirror, I interrogate every single part of me, sometimes I’m looking at someone who feels hollow inside out and other times I don’t recognise the person who stands before me.
It’s not just that, but everything I do I feel guilty for. My mind keeps trying to take over.
“You’re not good enough.”
Even though I made a vow to never allow the numbers on the scale to determine my worth, I can’t help but want to know what they are and whatever the outcome is, to just allow it to take over me.
Maybe I’m just tired from fighting away my constant negative thoughts, especially when I know where it leads. I’ve slowly learned how to cope with my depression, but my eating disorder I fight every day and I’m tired, tired from pretending that I’m happy in my body, because I’m not.
I hate feeling like I’m overweight every day, because I know deep down there’s more to me than just my weight, but I can’t stop it from consuming me.
I’m scared that I’ll be back at the place I was before and I’m trying so desperately to fight it off, I don’t want to be like that again and although I’m so determined to not go there again I can’t help but want to surrender for just a second.
I don’t want to do it to myself, no one deserves to feel ugly in their own skin and no one deserves to deprive themselves of basics human needs.
So, why do I feel the need to do it to myself?
Overcoming my eating disorder and body dysmorphic disorder has been something I always pushed to the side, but from today onwards I’m determined to fight it off, even when I don’t want to anymore.
I don’t know what the next chapter in my life is going to bring, but I won’t let it be what it once was because I have the power to overcome it.
If you have an eating disorder, then please know that when it seems tough or like you just want to give up, you can do it! If you do surrender for just a second, it’s okay because you’re human, and you can get back up.
I’ve failed myself too, but I’m going to continue pushing forward and try not to be too hard on myself. Recovering from something is never easy, It’s a long process and one that will take a lot of strength but I’m going to do it and you can too.
Sometimes falling down is part of the process. That uncomfortableness is where change happens. Where we evolve. Where we turn that weakness into strength. This struggle you’re going through is all part of the process. And you will make it through.