Making peace with my imperfect self.

One of the biggest things I struggle with is forgiving myself for all the mistakes I’ve made. All the times I took my family for granted and all the times I took my own life for granted. Being happy doesn’t come easy, and holding onto all my past mistakes only makes that end outcome impossible to achieve.

I tortured my own body, let myself fall and most of all I let the ones around me down. So this letters to me, forgiving myself.

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You were only a child when life began to consume you, everything around you crumbled, your normality wasn’t what most would expect. Instead, you lived a life where the unexpected always happened and you were always awaiting the next challenge in life to come flooding your way. You never knew how to process everything; your mom was sick, your dad too… your dignity was taken, you began to believe what the mean people said, and you watched your loved ones become sick from mental health.

You tried to take your own life; you allowed everything to consume you and because of that you chose the wrong path. You chose to disobey and treat others especially your mother in ways she and they did not deserve.

Since then you’ve grown, but everything you’ve done continues to haunt you.

You hate that you let those mean words push you to hate yourself soo much, you hate that whilst your mother was around you treated her badly and you hate that you never got the chance to show her who you truly are.

The way you treat yourself also overwhelms you, some days you hate your body and others you hate your life. You never let yourself have time to heal and because of that you let yourself down.

You stopped working and don’t confront the truth and instead, torment yourself each and every day for not being perfect.

It’s now time you forgive yourself and learn to love the person you are, it’s time you recognise the changes you’ve made, and most of all it’s time you forgive yourself for how your treated your mother.

Though it eats you up, she still loved you and she was always proud no matter how much you try to tell yourself she wasn’t.

…

I forgive myself because I’m not that person anymore and without all my mistakes I would never have been the person I am now.

I forgive myself for not being the perfect daughter because I know in my heart my mother can see who I am.

I forgive myself for hurting myself, forcing myself to be someone I’m not, and most of all I forgive myself for not loving myself the way I should because I’m human.

I forgive myself, I forgive myself for not being perfect.

Whatever you’ve done before, accept it and let it go. You are not perfect. You are capable of making mistakes, stop hiding from the shadows of the past. Don’t be trapped in the darkness of shattered memories. Let the light pass through and shine upon you. Forgive yourself because it’s the only way to start again.