Breakdowns are something I always felt ashamed to talk about, I would put a front on so often that the thought of showing anyone I’m not okay overwhelmed me. I’ve had a lot of breakdowns and sometimes still do, there have been times in my life where I felt so overwhelmed by everything that my ability to act rationally came to a halt.
My latest breakdown was a month ago now. The thought of being stuck in this never-ending cycle of pain consumed me. The reality of everything I lost took over, I found myself not wanting to eat, staring at the walls and becoming distant from society.
There have been times in the past when I was getting ready for work and I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness and panic take over. I would cry, scream, and lose sight of everything. I’d call in sick, then lie and cry for hours. There have been times when I self-harmed because I couldn’t see a way out of what I was feeling.
I didn’t talk about my breakdowns after they had happened, I’d just pretend I was okay and carry on with my life as normal, but I realise now that I was just too afraid to admit I had a setback. I kept myself so much together that I let myself down, and the only person suffering was me.
Admitting I’m not okay has always been hard for me and still is. Some days, I’d fake a smile whilst others I’d hide away.
I learned that I was being too hard on myself, setting myself expectations I couldn’t meet up with. The truth is some days I’m not okay. Life gets in the way and memories come flooding back.
If you’re someone like me who’s had breakdowns or maybe you’re having one right now. Be kinder to yourself, admit you’re not okay and let it show. Take some time out and let yourself heal. Find ways to reduce your stress, focus on you, and become aware.
When I was going through a breakdown all my emotions morphed into one and I didn’t understand what was happening which left me feeling confused and broken. Researching more helped me a lot, I came to terms with what my body was going through and was able to understand myself more. I slowly started to admit I wasn’t feeling okay and asked for help.
Breakdowns are never easy to go through, but it’s okay.
Not being okay, is okay.
It’s healthy to admit your not okay. it’s okay not to be okay, it’s brave. but don’t let it win. Be sad. Have your moment, your day, or week. Then do something about it and be happy. For yourself.
Create your own sunshine 
You’re right about not being okay. It’s okay. The expectation from outside certainly gets in the way. When I went to the memorial service for my mother, some good friends also came, which I was grateful for. (Grateful for them.) But they wanted to be with me in the hallway, and they wanted jokes. I can claim, rightly I think, that this was not their indifference at work but their nervousness. I tried to help and actually be funny. But I was sad, tired, numb and wanted–needed–to feel that way for a while.
My worst breakdowns happened when I contracted heart disease through heart attacks and the subsequent surgeries and treatments both emergency and ongoing. Emotionally, I was feeling torn apart. I finally got to speak with a cardiologist about it, and he said that frankly in the profession emotions aren’t dealt with. Eventually, I got to a counselor and some helpful medication. I’ll be living with the crises for the rest of my days. Of which there are good days and certainly bad.
All of which is to say I think you’re right. We have crises, we have breakdowns, and we should be allowed to have them because we’re having them, anyway. But we should, beyond acknowledgement, receive help and encouragement. These breakdowns happen so often, I’d guess maybe they’re life issues for everyone. And we should be learned and trained about them.
The false smile. That should go away.
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I’m so touched by your story not what has happened to you, but how you’ve shared it and in such an open and honest way. I hope you’re feeling better now with everything. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
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