With my mom’s birthday fast approaching, It ultimately means another year, birthday spent without her. Around this time of year when dates linking to my mother creep up on me, I find myself unexpectedly reminiscing on the good, bad, and fun times. Though this seems like a beautiful thing to experience, during this time of year, I find these memories leave me feeling lost and confused.
I’m very in tune with my own emotions, but when my mom’s birthday comes back around, everything I feel and know becomes blurred. I feel fine one moment, but will snap the next and it’s only when I think about it I realise I’m mourning my mother’s company and presence all over again.
I’m not an expert on any of this; I don’t know how I should grieve or what I’m even supposed to do with my life now. I make mistakes, but all in all, what I do know is this journey will be lifelong. It’s teaching me things I would never have anticipated and because of that, it’s making me a better person. That’s not because of me grieving, but that’s because of the women my mom was, because of her incredible ability to light up the room when she walked in, to be strong for her children no matter what, and most of all being the bravest person I have ever met. Because of that, she changed me.
Still, with my mother not being able to guide me physically, she guides me through the memories that she left.
I never in a million years with everything that we went through as a family anticipated such a journey, but because of this journey, I’m learning more and more about my mother each day. I’m proud to be the daughter of someone so incredible.
There’s that selfish part of me that just wants her back. On my mom’s birthday in the past, I let these feelings consume me, but this year I want to be happy, happy for her because I know that’s what she would have wanted.
When I begin to feel overwhelmed it’s in those moments, I want to remember my mother for all her beauty, to remind myself of where she’s led me, and to reassure myself that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes, to miss her because who wouldn’t?
What I’ve learned is that loving and losing someone never has an end, that person will always have an incredible presence and mark left in your heart. Just like my mom does with me. Though I’ll never stop missing my mom, I will learn to make her proud, become the woman and daughter she would have wanted me to be. But I’m happy with that, I’m happy that she holds such a beautiful place in my heart.
Thank you, mom, for guiding me when I needed it most, for being such an incredible mom and woman.
I love you.
Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us everyday. Unseen, unheard, but always near; Still loved, still missed, and very dear.