November…

November, as you approach I feel this overwhelming mass of emotions flood my body from head to toe, no one ever told me it would be like this, but I guess that’s the beauty of living.

November 1st.

Here it is, here’s the month that keeps me reminiscing on the toughest time of my life, Instead of facing what it is I’m feeling I push it to the back of my head and try to focus on the now, but we all know that catches up with you at some point.

November 9th.

The day before I turn 21, the day that’s meant to be happy but isn’t.

November 10th.

21, here it is the birthday I’ve been waiting for just to receive my mom’s gift.

Although I will forever be grateful for what my mom left me, I can’t help but feel angry that she’s not here with me. Is this how my 21st was meant to go? Because I never imagined it to be this way, I guess I was naive in thinking the things we plan actually happen because things don’t always work out the way we hoped they would.

November 20th…

Three years without my mom. How much I wish she was here with me, even just for a second. And now It’s December 4th, November has gone, and only now I’ve been able to find the courage to think about this past month, my mom’s anniversary, and turning 21 without her here.

To some November is just a month, but to me, November is the month my life came crashing down. I guess I have a lot to learn, to overcome, and to face in terms of my mom’s passing but for now, I just want to sit here and be at one with my emotions.

So mom here’s another letter to you.

Mom,

I never got the chance on the day to talk to you, I went to work because I thought thats what would make you happy, to see me fighting through it and not letting it overcome me. But each year it gets harder without you here, so much is changing and I just wished you were here to see it and be with us all throughout it.

There’s so much thats happened this year, I got a job and I know you’d be so proud of me. I’m doing it for you, but it’s hard I wished I could ask your advice. Starting a new job has been so tough for me and without you to toughen me up I’m not sure how it’s going to go, but I promise I’ll try my best to be strong.

I turned 21! Thank you for the best gift, it’s beautiful. I know how much you would have loved to be here to give it to me yourself.

I miss you; I’ve struggled the past few weeks. Mom, why do I never feel like I’m enough? Why does everyone have to tear me down when I’m just starting to get on my feet, why does it have to be so hard?

I wished I was stronger to stand up to everyone’s judgements, but I’m not. I know you’d probably be telling me to ignore them because they have no idea how much we as a family have been through and because of that I’m strong, but without you, I feel so broken.

I know you’d want me to be happy so for you I’ll try my best to overcome this. I love you mom, thank you for being the woman you were I will forever be grateful to have known someone like you, I hope you’re resting easy.

Goodnight, mom.

I love you.

There are good days and bad days, and that’s okay…

3 thoughts on “November…

  1. This post is so incredibly beautiful. There is a bond between you and your mother that is so intense and special – remember that.
    You are never alone. We are always a combination of the DNA that went before us. Take solace in that. Be proud of everything you accomplish and I wish you a fabulous and prosperous year ahead xx

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