So, where do I begin? The last few months have been ones of both growth, but also setbacks. For now, I’ll begin with how I’m feeling at this very moment.
As I sit on my bed, finally with my pen in my hand and looking out to the sky I feel this overwhelming sense of somewhat relief, but also an indescribable feeling of impending doom looming over me. I’m the most content I’ve ever been in my life, but on the inside, I’m battling with my own demons each and every single day, but why? Why when my life is going to plan do I still feel so low? I guess that’s why I’ve found it hard to write and deal with how I’m feeling head-on because the truth is I don’t know why I’m sad.
Since my life has always been so unsteady, I’ve never dealt with my depression through the calm and honestly, I don’t know who I am without it. This is a new stage of my life, learning who I am without depression and that it is truly okay to not be okay, even when things are going exactly as you hoped they would. Something appeared on my newsfeed the other day. It was an episode of a program about a man who had tried to commit suicide, he had been battling with his depression for so long, but had never told anyone and instead kept it all hidden. He felt guilty. His life was what some would dream to have, but yet he was still hurting on the inside.
I guess this describes how I’ve been feeling.
Since watching it, I feel less guilt for feeling the way I do. I’ve always said It’s okay to not be okay, no matter your situation, but I couldn’t see that for myself. I did and do feel guilty for feeling this way, this is all I’ve ever asked for. To be back at work and for my home life to be settled, but now it is, I feel broken.
Depression doesn’t go away in the blink of an eye or when life is going to plan, depression just happens even when there is no explanation for it. Which can be confusing, you lose a sense of who you are and you can’t pinpoint the exact reason you’re feeling this way. But if there’s one thing depression has taught me, is that I should never underestimate how truly strong I can be, and it’s shown me the beauty in the little things.
Never underestimate how strong you can be, It’s okay not to be okay no matter your situation because you’re human, I’m human.
It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel stuck. It’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay not to be okay.