For a while I’ve moulded myself into this new person, this person that relies on others to make her happy, pushes her feelings to one side so she doesn’t have to feel pain, and pretends that this is the life she wants. That she’s happy with when deep down she knows this isn’t what she wants. It’s easier to forget, to push your pain deep down so it doesn’t reach the surface, so you don’t have to deal with it. You just merely get on with your life with this ever-growing wound that no one else sees, but you.
It’s hard to admit that I’m not okay because I’ve pretended I was for so long. It’s easier to smile, wipe away my own tears and push away my own feelings because it becomes real when I let them in. I’m afraid to make mistakes because I put so much pressure on myself to do the right thing.
I wished my mom was here so I could ask for her advice, but this is my life now and I have to take the ropes and make those mistakes on my own.
I’m afraid that no one will understand why I feel like this, I’ve been running from my life for so long that to everyone else I’m okay and I’ve got it together, but I carry this dark secret with me each and every day that no one knows about.
So, what’s stopping me? I am.
The sad truth is the only person holding me back is me. The fear of losing and not being enough is scarier than this. I still haven’t let go of my old life, I feel broken each time I think of my mom, I miss having that. I miss having her, my dad, my siblings, going on holidays, and making memories. Bickering, laughing, and just being a family. That was taken away from me and each day I’m reminded of that, no matter how much I try to run from it. So, what’s left? To face it, to make a new life for myself, and to stop putting plasters over wounds that won’t heal until I take time to heal them for myself.
I stopped writing and doing the things I love because of this, but I want it back, I want me back.
I want to be motivated again, I want to be someone I can say I’m proud to be. Whoever that may be.
It’s time I stop running, It’s time I focus on myself again before I lose myself completely. I’m not okay, but I will be and honestly I’m proud to say that. To finally say I’m not okay, it feels liberating that my secret is finally out.
I know more than anything it’s okay not to be okay, but I was running for so long that I didn’t see it. It’s time to heal my wounds and to take time for myself.
To anyone who has been running, take a moment to yourself and tell yourself It’s truly okay not to be okay. We all feel it at some point, you’re not alone and you’ve got this.
This next chapter of my life will be one of healing and truly finding myself because It’s time to stop running.
I stopped being me such a long time ago. I can’t even remember who that was, but it’s time to get myself back.
Any quotes you all love for my upcoming posts would be much appreciated.