It’s 3am as I sit here on my disheveled bed, blush pink quilts turned over, a pillow on my lap, and headphones placed over my ears, whilst my music plays. I can’t just hear it, but I feel it, the lyrics from each song resonate within me, flowing through my body as I feel it right to my soul. You see, I’m not exactly sure where to start or what to say, I never anticipated for my next blog post to be what is to come, but I’ve always thought of this as my escape, the place where I can truly be me and be honest with not just myself, but the people who may come across this post. Truthfully I’ve wanted to pick my laptop up for a while now, to write, but no matter how much I’ve wanted to there’s been this voice in my head that grabs hold of me and stops me. I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way and although I’ve been trying so hard to get that person back, the reality is it’s not as easy as I had fooled myself into believing. You may be wondering by now what It is that has brought me to where I am now, why I have lost myself, and what I mean when I say that. So here goes…
This past year has been a whirlwind for me, though nothing major has happened in my life, I’ve been caught up in my own head, stuck in a prison you could say. The hardest part about being stuck in my own head is there is no reason for it, although a sort of light bulb moment happened within me that has enabled me to realise why I’ve lost myself. When I say I’ve lost myself, what I mean is the motivation I had, the fight I had within me to keep pushing forward no matter how hard life seems. My outlook on life and the future I had set myself, all slowly faded until it brought me to where I am now, lost. A quote that has resonated with me these past few months is “I am still learning to go back and reread my own chapters without feeling like I want to set all my pages on fire.” I guess what I’m trying to say is although everything in my life is calm, like a hurricane these past few years have encapsulated me, flooded my entirety, and left me suddenly trying to process it all. I hadn’t realised until a week ago, I never processed everything I’d been through because I never truly had the time to. Our lives can be so hectic that we forget to take a step back and take in the things we are going through because if we do, chances are we get overwhelmed or we simply just don’t have the time to, we just have to merely carry on and keep pushing forward because sometimes that’s the only choice we have left. To be quite honest, that’s what I’ve been doing these past few years all the way up until I was at school, being bullied, sexually assaulted, and everything else that happened between all of that. Now the time has come that all that has happened has caught up with me, I’ve been running for so long that now I’ve stopped It’s all facing me head-on. I wish I could sit here and be positive, but truthfully I’m not at that place yet, I just want to be honest with myself and to anyone out there who this too may ring true to. Sometimes It’s okay to not be strong all the time, only now I’m beginning to realise the true meaning of that.
We all have our secrets, our sorrows that we keep deep within ourselves and hide from others. Sometimes though those things we keep to ourselves start to show face to the world and I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t true for me. I’d be lying If I said for days on end I didn’t just sleep because the pain I felt was too much to feel. I’d be lying If I said my depression hadn’t come back worse than it ever had been, and the hope I once had, went. You see, I’ve been hard on myself. Why is it when someone who I care about feels the exact way I have these past few months do I uplift them and tell them It’s okay to feel how they feel, yet when it comes to myself I lose that? I almost punish myself for being sad, yet deep down I know it’s okay to feel like that because I’m human just like the rest of us. Though that is the truth for me and I know I’m not the only one. So, as a reminder to anyone who has been hard on themselves like me, I want you to know it too is okay to not be okay.
I want to delve deep and be vulnerable, to show the truth for myself, and to show anyone out there that may feel the way I do, that they’re not alone. These past few months I’ve felt lost, empty and broken. My life has always been unpredictable, but battling with my own mind, insecurities, and demons has left a hollow feeling I can only describe as being unbearable. I’m not perfect, I don’t think anyone is, but this overwhelming sense of pressure to be happy, kind, loving, and overall someone who always does what’s right has shaken me to the core. This sense of disappointment engulfs my body like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. To be quite honest this past year I’ve been a ghost of someone I wish and hope to be, but deeper down I’m hiding away just hoping someone or something can save me from myself. The irony is that the only person who can stop that is me because I don’t want to be this hollow outer shell anymore.
Depression, depression is something I’ve struggled with my whole life yet It still seems to find its way in and suddenly engulfs me into its dark encapsulating blackhole. It eats you up from the inside out until it shows itself to the world, It becomes this secret that you fear anyone seeing because if anyone knows, it becomes true and you have to face it. The battle you have with your mind each and every day is indescribable, everything becomes bad and you overthink everything that happens. It’s truly exhausting and sometimes the only way to block it out is to hide away and sleep, sleep until you can bear waking up again. I often question myself on why I’m so fearful to express how I feel because I want everyone to know how I feel, yet I don’t dare tell anyone. The truth is, facing my depression means truly feeling and accepting the place I’m at, but pushing it away seems easier than that. How is one supposed to begin to accept those things? It’s possible, but depression, depression makes you think otherwise like a monster possessing your entirety.
Depression makes me scared to be vulnerable, to do what’s wrong in fear of hurting others, but in turn, I sacrifice my own happiness and lose myself in the process. I’m not just scared of hurting others, but I’m scared of what the outcome of that may be for me. This past year has been such a blur to me, I wish I could say It’s been a year that has filled me with joy and allowed me to grow as a person, but instead it appears the opposite has happened. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s okay to fall, it’s okay to take a step back because in reality we all do at some point. We all need a moment where we wake up and realise what we are doing is unhealthy, but I can’t lie and say I’m not angry at myself for letting myself slip so far back into what I thought I was overcoming. I’ve hidden how I’ve felt for so long that I even began to fool myself, depression does that. My family see me and assume I’m doing just fine, but the reality is much darker than that I’ve just become a master of disguise.
Whilst, it’s been four years since my mom passed away I’ve lived a lie for so long that I twisted my own reality and pretended I was okay, but I was never okay I just learned how to put an act on. I can’t even think of my mom without feeling sick to my stomach, If I think for too long I fall into a pit of my own despair. I need to be okay with the reality as hard as that may seem now, I need to do it for myself. I pretended so much that I was okay that I lost sight of everything, the past has come back to haunt me. Some things I thought I’d overcome, it appears I haven’t. Those days I spent crying because my body became the object of someone else, I survived that but the idea of it keeps finding its way back in. The nights I would lay awake crying myself to sleep because I was so fearful that If I didn’t take my own life someone else would, or vividly remember running, protecting, and cradling myself just so I would avoid the fists of others. All of that took my worth from me and now It’s all come back to haunt me.
It’s time for me to wake up from the illusions I’ve created in my head, It’s time for me to truly heal myself however long that may take. I know this next chapter of my life will be one full of pain, a lot of late nights spent crying, but I’m hopeful that at the end of it I’ll be someone I can truly love. I want this to be a reminder to anyone out there who reads this and hasn’t taken care of themselves lately, to take a moment for themselves and to be good to themselves because you owe yourself that. It’s time for me to accept I need to start loving and believing in myself more too because I owe myself that, we all do.
Sometimes all we need is…
time to take care of ourselves, love ourselves and nurture our souls. Sometimes all that we need is a little bit of time, time to reconnect with ourselves, time to get back that inner peace we lost somehwere along the way and time to get clarity we need. Take it step by step, one day at a time, and instead of judging yourself, let go, and give yourself the love you desserve.