I’m a stranger in my own skin.

I look to you to give me validation, yet you're even more detached from me then I anticipated. You don't capture the real me the way I was made to think you would, my smile, my soul and everything that makes me who I am are lost when I look at you. For years the …

I’m me, because of you.

With my mom's birthday fast approaching, It ultimately means another year, birthday spent without her. Around this time of year when dates linking to my mother creep up on me, I find myself unexpectedly reminiscing on the good, bad, and fun times. Though this seems like a beautiful thing to experience, during this time of …

Loneliness.

Loneliness, where do I begin? I have to admit that it often consumes me, for a while now especially. I know it's something a lot of us feel, ironically we're not alone, but deep inside there's that small part of you that can't help but feel it. It's sad because no one ever deserves to …

Let’s talk breakdowns.

Breakdowns are something I always felt ashamed to talk about,  I would put a front on so often that the thought of showing anyone I'm not okay overwhelmed me. I've had a lot of breakdowns and sometimes still do, there have been times in my life where I felt so overwhelmed by everything that my …

Searching for approval, stops now.

I look for approval in others, at least I did for a long time. If someone didn't like me, I'd torture myself for it, if I didn't fit into someone's idea of pretty, smart, or funny I would bring myself down. Even starting this blog was a massive step for me. I never believed I …

To everyone who ever made me feel less than I am.

This is my last letter...this one's for the ones who assaulted, bullied me, or ever made me feel like I had no worth. I'm sure by now you don't even know who I am or the impact you left on me. Some days you'd tell me I'm "fat" or "stupid" and then others I'd be …

To my mom.

I want to be real about everything, life's tough and this is how I feel. I wish someone had shown me or was real with me. So, for that, I want to be real, share my darkest moments, and take you all on my journey. I want to forgive my mom for leaving. Though it …

Making peace with my imperfect self.

One of the biggest things I struggle with is forgiving myself for all the mistakes I've made. All the times I took my family for granted and all the times I took my own life for granted. Being happy doesn't come easy, and holding onto all my past mistakes only makes that end outcome impossible …

To the one who left.

The past few years have been tough, we went through so much, but I never expected you to leave me like you have. I imagined things to be different, and maybe I had unrealistic expectations. I thought we could get through this together and move forward as a family, but we didn't. You've left me …

It’s time to forgive.

I'm someone who holds onto moments in time where people or things have wronged me, it's left me dwelling on the past for far too long and now it's time for me to let go and move forward with my life. In my upcoming posts, I'm going to write letters to anything or anyone, forgiving …

Fighting back starts today.

I have to be honest with myself, for a while now I've pushed my inner thoughts to the back of my mind when the truth is they don't stay there, they only torture me. Taking over not just a few seconds out of each day but each second of each day... When I walk past …

A short thank you…

Two years ago, I woke up to see my life shattered around me, I no longer had anything just the few people who stood by my side. A domino effect struck my life and kept taking away everything that meant something to me until I believed in myself. I felt lost, I quit my job …

I’ll be ready one day, but not now.

I want to scream, and I want the world to hear my pain. It's not fair how could this be real? It's nearly been three years, and I can't fathom what my life will be like another three years from now. I have so many questions, but no one to answer them. No one to …

Am I dying?

My chest becomes tight as I feel my airways clasp onto one another. My palms are clammy now. I no longer have control over my body, my mind has taken over. I shake and tremble. I can no longer hold my weight instead, I fall to the floor. My eyes are blurry but I see …

Dreaming…

Beneath all of this, I'm just human and your actions hurt. They've torn me apart for far too long. Why is it you have to judge me? Why tear apart my dreams? I dream big, but it's all I've ever had. Dreaming was my escape from reality.  You stopped me from following my heart. And …

You were never the enemy, I was.

I have neglected you for so long. Not in just one way, but in many. You keep me here and for that I should be grateful, but why are you so hard to love? From the age of 10, I abandoned you.  The words they told us weren't true. I'm sorry for believing them. I took my pain out on you, you didn't deserve those scars. No one does. I've hated everything about you, and you never turned your back on me. Every pill I swallowed, you fought …

What makes you happy.

I like to please everyone; I've been like this my whole life. It's funny because no matter how much you try to please everyone, there's always someone who doubts you. As of lately, that person seems to be me. Without realising I've subconsciously let everyone else's doubts, control me. You begin to internalise everyone's side-remarks …

Letting go of the life I had.

When I lost my mom, I didn't just lose her but I lost the life I once had. Everything changed, and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces. I've realised now that picking up those shattered pieces was only making me forget how beautiful life was before it broke. I would have my …

For now this is goodbye.

Nan, todays the day I'm supposed to say goodbye to you and yet I can't be there. It still seems surreal that you're not here and won't be coming back, I wanted to tell you I was sorry, but I can't even do that now. I'm not sure if you would have even remembered me …

Comparing ourselves.

Why is it we compare ourselves to others? I ask myself this question most days, actually every day. I too have fallen a victim to comparing myself. Sometimes I wish to look like someone else, to have a smaller forehead or have their flat stomach, but it's not just that I wish for. Some days …

Late night thoughts.

It's four in the morning as I write this because I can't chase away my thoughts tonight. I've tried so hard to ignore them, as I do most days, but pushing them away is only making them more difficult to run from. I feel lonely, I could be surrounded by nothing but people and still feel lonely. My heart breaks each time I think about myself. Each time I do, I feel an overwhelming sense of failure. I've failed myself. I had this passion, and I wanted to impact people's lives, but I feel like the most forgetful person in the world. I've never belonged, Even when I had friends I always felt like everyone had this hatred against me. I don't have many friends, in fact, I have none. I've always struggled to let people in, but for so long I felt like I didn't belong …

Male Breast Cancer

Breast cancer is something I've always struggled to talk about, Both my mom and dad had breast cancer and sadly my mom lost her life after it returned. I've spoken so much about my journey with grief, but there's still a major event in my life I haven't spoken about and it's possibly the most …

Self Harm

I lay down in the bath, shut my eyes and focused on the pain. I didn't feel anything, but an ache running through my whole body. I'd tell myself no one cared even though I'm sure someone did. I shut myself down and for a moment I remember feeling like no one else existed, but …

Racism.

I've never made a post about this before and honestly, I'm pretty scared too, I don't know why I feel anxious about It. But I'm determined to open up about parts of my life that feel almost impossible to talk about just to raise awareness. I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't "my colour." …

Suffering a loss.

I've always tried to keep my blog truthful, even when the truth hurts. I want to share my darkest moments to make someone else's dark moments seem that little bit brighter. Recently, I've been going through one of those dark moments. My nan passed away four days ago. She contracted the coronavirus and whilst, everyone …

Imperfectly Beautiful.

Societies' representation of what we should look and be like is something I've felt I never fitted in with. I'm not like those girls you see in magazines or Instagram posts, I'm not someone who hides their creativity or mental health problems because society tells me to. The things that are considered ugly are the …

Believing in yourself.

I think if anyone were to ask me four years ago where I would be in terms of my mental health I would have said something along the lines of "probably dead." To most people that likely sounds unnerving and shocking but for me that was the truth. Four years ago I attempted suicide for …

Stuck In My Own Head…

Since, most of us are in quarantine right now It leaves a lot of time to do some thinking, some of which I've been doing a lot of lately. Being so stuck in my own head has left me feeling worthless, your own head can sometimes be the worst place to be. Whilst, I've been …

What she can’t deny.

She can't deny it, but the past few months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride, but without the fun and laughter, more like when you spin a coin around in a circle and towards the end it begins to spiral out of control. She's angry, angry that she doesn't seem to get a break, …

The last memory.

She made plans to see her friend that afternoon, to look around at the german markets and get a coffee for their monthly catch up. Little did she know that would be the last time she would see her mom. She finally got to see her mom, who had just come home from the hospice …