To everyone who ever made me feel less than I am.

~ kirsty marie

This is my last letter…this one’s for the ones who assaulted, bullied me, or ever made me feel like I had no worth.

I’m sure by now you don’t even know who I am or the impact you left on me. Some days you’d tell me I’m “fat” or “stupid” and then others I’d be made to feel worthless.

You took my confidence away from me, even now the impact you had, still stays. I was never the most confident person anyway, but the little confidence I did have you crushed. It’s taken me a long time to rebuild that, and I’m still working each and every day to take back what you took.

To me, It was never bullying it was just my normal. You made me live a life where I thought it was okay to be treated, the way you treated me. Still to this day, I try to reach your idea of perfection and you probably don’t even realise the impact you left.

Because of that, I won’t live by your words anymore and free myself from any hold you still have over me.

Those of you that assaulted me whilst I was going to the fair I’m sure you don’t know who I am too. I’m just that girl you beat up whilst she was having a good time, I’m just another of your many victims.

I pretended to be strong. I kept moving forward with my life, but each time I stepped out of the house I was afraid to run into you or anyone you all knew. I grew more and more anxious, and because of you each time I passed the place where it all started I had panic attacks. Each time I ran into someone who I thought was you, I would be left reliving that very day.

You left a mark on me that took so long to get rid of, I spent years having panic attacks and living in the shadows.

It’s time for me to take back what you took.

The ones who made me feel worthless, you may not even know what you did, but those passing comments you made hurt. Each day you all chipped away at my already broken heart, believing in myself has taken years because I never believed I was good enough.

I stopped being the real me because of each and every single one of you, I played a part in a story I didn’t fit into. Now I’m finally finding my way back to myself again and the last piece of my puzzle is to let go. Let go of all those hurtful words and moments and forgive you.

So, I forgive you all.

I forgive you because I’m happy with the person I’m becoming.

I forgive you because you no longer have a hold over me.

I forgive you because you’ve taken enough from me already and don’t deserve it anymore.

I forgive you for me.

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, people we can’t live without but have to let go.” ― (Nancy Stephan)

 

Published by kirsty marie

24 thoughts on “To everyone who ever made me feel less than I am.”

  1. Your writing is deeply raw and equally inspiring I’m just wanting to check in and see if you are ok? You may be writing these to help yourself feel better as your blog title implies and that is great, I’m just checking in in case though

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    1. Thank you! These are things that have happened to me a long time ago that has stuck with me, I want to show people the power in forgiving and that it’s okay to do that. I try to make everything as raw as possible because a long time ago I felt really lost like I was alone and sometimes I still do, but I wasn’t and I’m not. Thank you for being so kind!

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      1. Ah then how wonderful and powerful! You keep going your writing is deeply moving. I believe you will really help others just by being you. I just needed to check in that’s all 🙏✨

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      3. I am good thank you for different reasons we have some similar inner feelings from past experiences. I think you have written so well about yours. I’m glad to have checked in and I’m even more glad to know this is part of your healing journey ✨

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    1. It’s a horrible feeling, especially when these people don’t know what they’ve done or the affect it causes. I’m sorry that you went through that, I hope now you’ve been able to let go and realise how awesome you are!

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      1. These people don’t care, because we were all young boys at the time. I haven’t seen any of them in well over 30 years, so I don’t know how they would react if I were to be honest with them as adults.

        Have I been able to let go… somewhat, not really. To some extent, I’ve found new groups of people who don’t make me feel like that. My last year of high school, I finally had a group of friends, but then we all graduated and I didn’t see them anymore, and in 1994 it was a lot harder to keep in touch with people, because there was no texting, no social media, long distance phone calls cost money, and email was a newly mainstream technology that half of my friends didn’t use and the other half didn’t check or write very often. I made new friends in my dorm my first year of university, and that was the first time I really felt like there were people who cared about me… especially the time they got a glimpse of the old me and didn’t all abandon me or shame me for it. (I wrote about that in my blog, the March 3 and 4, 1995 episodes.)

        Even after that, though, and going on into adulthood, I’ve often struggled with being different. I’m not into the same things as the people around me, and a lot of people don’t understand my interests and hobbies. In the next episode of my blog, which I haven’t written yet but I will post sometime in the next few days, I will tell the story of how I got involved with a certain organization… there was someone about five years older than me who was a leader in that organization named Cheryl. We lost touch at some point around 2000, but found each other on Facebook through a mutual friend in 2015ish, and I saw her in person in 2017. She said something about seeing me share pictures of my retro video game parties at my house, and how it looks like so much fun. “I’m glad you found your people,” she said. And she’s right. I did finally find people with interests like mine, and that definitely helps.

        However, it’s still hard to deal with, because my people still aren’t quite my people. The kind of people who share my interests and lifestyle usually don’t share my beliefs and values, and vice versa. Society is so polarized these days, especially here in the US, that all that just makes me feel rejected by both sides.

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      2. I think it’s great that you’re different and how you openly express it so much. There’s so much pressure in society to be a certain way, but it’s people like you who stop me from feeling so alone. I think you deserve to let go, for you because you’re worth more than you know. I’m glad that you’ve started to find a place in this world, for me I think it’s really difficult to be friends with people who share everything you like, but what’s most important is those people to not put you down for being you. If you ever need anyone to talk to I’m always here! It’s so refreshing to speak to someone like you!

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      3. Thank you so much! 🙂 You’re right, what’s important is the way people treat you, not that you have all the same interests. I spent most of 2011 in a terrible relationship… we were set up by mutual friends because of our common interests, but she treated me like crap, that’s the short version of the story.

        I’m trying to let go. I’ve definitely become more comfortable being one who doesn’t follow the crowd, at times I love that about myself, but it also feels like a lonely existence sometimes.

        In this adventure over the last two years of writing about my young adult years, I’ve realized that a lot of times, when I’m in “Jeromeville” or listening to music from that time period, I think of those times in the sense that those were the “good old days” and things were perfect then and they aren’t now. I was surrounded by peers in the same place in life as me, I had communities built in to my daily routine, and all I had to do was study hard enough and I was successful. But when I think a little harder, those times were far from perfect. I often felt alone, worthless, and rejected, and those built-in communities had cliques which I was on the outside of. I recently wrote a Facebook post about some of the struggles going on in my head these days, and Taylor (the same Taylor who appears in these stories and comments occasionally) said that he noticed that I tend to compare my current life to some perfect ideal, and that isn’t really a healthy outlook on life. He’s right. I had never really thought about it that way.

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  5. Great piece! Our pain makes us who we are. Everything we survive prepares us for what’s next. Because this is true, you are now ready to live a new and fantastic life! 🖤

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  7. Perfectionism to say the least is a frustrated quality and practice. To have it thrust on you or conditioned over time makes it harder, for it’s not even your own mission. Thank goodness, this and other unhealthy things–or things not you–can be put aside. I’ve no doubt the person you’re becoming is strong and authentic.

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